14 January 2019 @ 09:28 pm
My grandmother is dying.

Great way to start the new year, right?

My favorite person in the world, the person who raised me my entire life, at 97 years old, is taking her last breaths right now.

When my grandfather died, it was very sudden. He was himself one day, and then gone the next. He died with a book on his pillow, as if he had been reading. And I think that's better. The last time I talked with him, our parting was a pleasant "See ya!"

But Grandma is wasting away. She got really sick last week, something about her bowel collapsing, though I don't know details, and now she's receiving hospice care at my uncle's place in Arizona. They said she has 5-7 days to live.

So I was desperate to talk to her, to tell her I'm sorry for being so distant and how wonderful she is for never giving up on me. I wanted to tell her what a great job she did raising me and all of her children, bringing us up to be so strong of spirit and independent. I wanted to tell her how much I love her.

But I was also scared, because when I said goodbye, I knew it was likely to be for the last time, and I didn't know if I would be able to do that.

I worked it out with my family to do a video chat with her, and when I saw her, I was shocked. For some reason, I was expecting her to be her normal self, just sick. Instead, she was barely there - so weak, unable to move, barely able to talk. I don't know if it's awful of me, but my very first thought was that I hope she passes soon, so that her suffering will end.

I talked with her for a little bit, but the rest of my family, almost all of whom have traveled to Arizona to see her, was so excited to talk with me, that it wasn't long before I was being passed around to say hi to everyone, or to let them tell me all about what they've been up to. Then I got to talk with Grandma a little bit more, just a minute or so, until my family decided it was time to end the call. I was still trying to get out a goodbye when someone else jumped into the call to talk to me, and then disconnected the call.

I didn't get to tell her any of the things I wanted to tell her. I didn't even get to say goodbye, not really, and I'm kind of mad about that. At the same time, though, if given another chance, I don't even know if I could. I don't know if the words would come out.

I'm thinking of trying to call again tomorrow. I think some of the people there will be gone by then, and it should be a little quieter. Maybe I can get another chance, even though I'm so unsure if it's the right thing to do.

I just hope it won't be too late.

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