Bleach fic: Babysitters' Club
Title: Babysitters' Club

Author: Me

Fandom: Bleach

Characters: Ukitake, Shunsui, Yoruichi, Urahara, Byakuya

Rating: G

Summary: Ukitake, Shunsui, Yoruichi, and Urahara babysit Byakuya. It doesn't work out like it's supposed to.

Disclaimer: Not mine, belong to Kubo Tite. Don't sue, etc.

Author's notes: This one sat around for a really long time.

===

Ukitake stared at the tableau before him. Shunsui was dancing around on one foot and singing off key. Yoruichi was making grotesque faces and burbling like a madwoman. Urahara sat to one side, calmly sipping away at his tea and watched the scene with an amused eye. And in the middle of it all, was the confused yet still dignified form of the young Kuchiki heir, patient and apathetic to the curious chaos.

“Maa, it looks like this job was harder than I thought,” Shunsui finally stopped his frantic hopping to scratch at his head in perplexity.

“Geez, what was the old man thinking?” Yoruichi complained as she, too, stopped contorting her face and joined in the confused staring. “You’d think graduating from the shinigami academy would have gotten us jobs as shinigami. Not babysitting spoiled aristocratic brats.”

Ukitake breathed a sigh of relief as the two boisterous comrades stopped their antics to whine and sent a baleful look towards Urahara who had handled the cacophony with aplomb. Specifically, he had sat to one side and simply allowed the two clowns to tire themselves out, occasionally allowing a bemused snicker escape from behind his cup. Thus it had been up to Ukitake to try to talk sense into his friends.

However, he was just as confused as the others as to why they had been assigned this absurd task. One moment they had been getting ready in the squad room and in the next, they’d been summoned to see Genryuusai-sensei and were told they were requested as personal bodyguards for one Kuchiki Byakuya. Before they’d had a chance to clarify the specifics, they’d been shoved into a carriage and were sent off to the Kuchiki mansion. It wasn’t until they’d met Byakuya that they had realized the “bodyguard” job included entertaining the young heir, as he was the only child and, when left to his own devices, had a tendency to interfere with adult activities. Embarrassing adult activities.

“Does this kid ever smile?” Shunsui was complaining as he stared into the serious countenance. A pair of coal-black eyes stared back, disturbingly cold and distant on the young face.

“If your about finished,” Byakuya began, but was quickly cut off by a sudden movement.

“I know!” Urahara suddenly leaped from his seat to pose dramatically, the snapping of his fan announcing his participation in the insanity. “How about a story? All children love stories.”

Yoruichi shook her head viciously, soft bangs flinging in a wild arc, haloing about her head.

“No way, the only stories I know are assassin stories and somehow I don’t think those are appropriate for children.”

“I’ve got it,” offered Shunsui as he took a gulp of tea in preparation of his storytelling. Then, after multiple coughs to clear his throat and three false starts, he finally narrated in a deep baritone, “Once upon a time, there was a young girl named Yo-chan. One day, Yo-chan was resting under the tree when she saw a white rabbit. Except it wasn’t just any old rabbit. In fact, it was a magical rabbit who had taken the form of a very buxom—mmf...”

Shunsui didn’t manage to finish his story as Ukitake slapped one hand over his mouth to shut him up and pulled Byakuya in with the other to cover his ears, wrapping his arm around the small head to fully block out the offensive sounds.

Glaring, Ukitake gritted through his teeth, “That was not appropriate for children.”

“Fine,” Shunsui agreed as he pulled away. “You tell an appropriate story then.”

Ukitake looked blank at the demand.

Meanwhile, Urahara once again leapt up from where he’d settled down during the story telling, snapping his fan closed as he began, “Allow me. Once upon a time, there was a young prince, whose father, the king—”

“Who else could the prince’s father be if not the king?” young Byakuya interrupted, having pulled free of Ukitake’s strangle hold.

“Uh, no one,” Urahara answered after a few blinks.

“Then why did you mention he was the king?” pursued Byakuya with the tenacity of a pit bull. “Redundancy is a bad form of storytelling.”

“Listen kid, who the hell is telling the story here? You or me?”

“Urahara, language!” Ukitake yelped as he placed both hands over Byakuya’s ears once more, freeing Shunsui to speak as he will.

“But the kid’s right. If you’re going to mention his father is the king, then there should be a plot specific reason to bring it up,” Shunsui piped in. “And Juushirou has a point. You need to watch your mouth when kids are around. They’re impressionable little buggers.”

“Shunsui!” Ukitake was becoming slightly frustrated at this point.

“Bullshit, the kid’s probably heard worse,” Urahara continued, blithely ignoring the death glares from Ukitake.

“In the Kuchiki household? Now who’s bullshitting?” Shunsui retorted, adding more distress to the already upset Ukitake, who had taken to waving his hands wildly and gesturing to the bickering two shinigami to stop.

As the back and forth retorts continued without signs of stopping, Yoruichi finally interrupted to point out, “Uh, guys, the kid’s gone.”

At the announcement, the two bickering adults and one flailing mediator paused in their antics to stare uncomprehendingly in the empty spot that had once been occupied by Byakuya.

“Well, what do you know?” Shunsui commented uselessly as he continued to stare with no hint of getting up to search for the missing child.

“Oh my, we’re in a predicament,” agreed Urahara as he picked up the abandoned tea to sip calmly.

“Well, don’t just sit there, go look for him!”

The other three turned to look at Ukitake, their faces wearing identical looks of apathy. Ukitake, already feeling his panic draining just by being in the three’s vicinity, tried to muster up a determined look.

“You’re the only who actually cares about the job,” Yoruichi spoke up as the silent staring contest dragged on. Her words seemed to deflate the indignant Ukitake, whose posture drooped as he sighed in defeat.

“Fine, fine. I’ll go look for him. You three clean up the mess.”

Waving at the pile of cushions, blankets, and all manners of children’s toys strewn about the room, Ukitake trudged out of the room, dragging his feet the whole way to the shoji.

~*~

In retrospect, Ukitake had been a bit surprised at how easily he’d found Byakuya. Without a clue where the sole heir to the Kuchiki name would have gone, Ukitake had wandered hopelessly around the gardens, cursing inwardly at his companion’s lackluster babysitting abilities. Then the cursing switched onto his own lack of awareness at loosing track of the young Kuchiki. It was in this state of mental flagellation of himself and his fellow shinigami that he, quite by accident, turned the corner of a long corridor to find Byakuya balanced in a precarious tilt at the edge of a bench, hand reaching out towards a low hanging bird cage.

“Byakuya, watch out!” Ukitake yelled as he sped to the perched child, wrapping both arms around the small body and pulling him into the safety of his arms. With Byakuya safely clutched in a death grip, Ukitake let out a relieved sigh, feeling his heart beat slowing and asked shakily, “What were you doing?”

When no answer came, Ukitake looked down, quickly giving Byakuya a once over to check or obvious injuries. Not spotting any, but still worried at the silence, Ukitake loosened one hand to hold up three fingers and asked, “How many fingers am I hold up?”

Byakuya looked at the fingers then back at Ukitake, mouth remaining stubbornly silent.

Ukitake could feel a trickle of cold nervous sweat down the back of his spine as Byakuya’s stare continued unwavering. Oh no, I broke him, he thought frantically, mind starting to buzz with hysteria. Before his paranoia could get the better of him or cause him to break out in a coughing fit, he began running towards where he’d left his three friends, Byakuya still wrapped firmly in his arms.

In seconds, Ukitake made his way back to the room, bursting in as he wheezed, “Help! Byakuya...won’t talk...emergency...Unohana...”

The three occupying the room, who had not started at all on their clean up duty, looked back at him in confusion. Then, eyes settling on the bundle in Ukitake’s arm, they seemed to make the connection.

“Oh, you found him,” was Yoruichi’s response.

“That was fast,” observed Urahara from where he’d been napping on the tatami mat.

Only Shunsui seemed to realize Ukitake’s plight and squatted next to the panting Ukitake, patting his back in a soothing manner as he asked, “What’s wrong?”

“He won’t talk,” Ukitake gasped as he shoved Byakuya into Shunsui’s face, causing his friend to stumble backward and land in a sprawl. “He won’t respond in any way. Maybe he hit his head when we weren’t looking. Maybe he’s gone deaf. Oh god, what are we going to tell the Kuchiki clan? Shunsui, do something!”

Yoruichi and Urahara shared a perplexed look as Ukitake continued with his spastic tirade. Shunsui pulled himself from his sprawl to scrutinize the calm Byakuya who looked only slightly put upon at being thrust at Shunsui like a bag of potatoes.

“Won’t respond eh?” Shunsui asked as he poked a finger curiously into Byakuya.

Byakuya bit.

“Ite!”

As Shunsui howled in pain, hopping in circles and blowing his bitten finger, Ukitake let out a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness, you’re okay,” he cooed at the child.

“Right,” Urahara drawled as he looked between the still hopping Shunsui and the glaring Byakuya in Ukitake’s arms. Sensing the reitsu building in the room, from both the injured shinigami and the annoyed Kuchiki heir, Urahara quickly added, “I think it’s time for lunch. I’m going to go make something for the bra-ah, kid.”

“I’ll come with you,” Yoruichi insisted as she stood, following Urahara out of the room.

As the two left, they could hear a loud explosion and another shout of pain followed by Ukitake’s reprimanding voice saying, “You earned that one, Shunsui.”

~*owari*~